The Unofficial Guide to Hogwarts
by YokoFiona
Summary: Four girls get together and write a list of things they feel would help the Students of Hogwarts better understand the environment of said school. ONE-SHOT


**_A Guide to Hogwarts_**

**_By the people who do not wish to be named_**

A set of four best friends, one in each house were so bored one day in the back of their History of Magic class, an idea was born. They were going to write down every single thing they could about Hogwarts in a leather bound journal that would announce new do's and don'ts every morning to the Greats Hall's breakfast.

_So here begins the book by those who wish to remain unnamed. _

_First things first, this is not an educational guide like __Hogwarts a History_. _If you want that Madam Prince will be glad to lend you a copy._

_**Buying Your Supplies**_

_Rule 1- When going into Gringotts have your key easily accessible and bring a bag that will hold just enough gold._

_Rule 2- With the exception of first years do avoid Mr. Ollivanders. He is a weird and a somewhat creepy wand maker._

_Rule 3- Never pick up extra books, just the ones you need.(You'll thank us later)_

_Rule 4- The Leaky Cauldron does check your age. So don't try._

_Rule 5- Stay away for Quality Quidditch Supplies_

_Rule 6- Gringotts doesn't not supply airsickness bags. BRING YOUR OWN!_

_Rule 7- The Apothecary Stinks. You have been warned!_

_Rule 8- Do not, at all costs, buy a toad. Reason? Just ask Neville Longbottom._

_Rule 9- Weasley Wizarding Wheezes are forbidden so hide the merchandise carefully._

_Rule 10- When buying a trunk, buy the largest size you can afford._

The four girls stood back and admired their work. The first ten rules and they hadn't even started about school yet. Hermione alone couldn't believe that four girls could be this bored in any class. If it hadn't been for Luna she would have never found her three best girlfriends, Fiona Glass (Huffelpuff), Lindsey Wagner (Ravenclaw), and Elizabeth (liz) McCloud (Slytherin). They were spending every History period working on it. Each had intimate knowledge of the other three houses' inner workings. It was almost scary how much they knew about Hogwarts. And another period of writing was on it's way…

_**The Hogwarts Express**_

_Rule 11- NEVER, EVER sit in the first available compartment or the last compartment. It's always full no matter what… and the last compartment always has problems_

_Rule 12- The Lady with the Food Cart accepts Muggle money, don't hesitate to use it and save your gold_

_Rule 13- There's only two restrooms on the train. Try to hold it in. _

_Rule 14- Check the Signs on the changing rooms before you walk in! (We shouldn't need to say this people)_

_Rule 15- The Conductor will announces the time every hour or so. So don't bother with a watch. _

Harry and Ron were dumbfounded to see Hermione bending so heatedly over a blank piece of parchment neglecting the days work. It amazed them. Besides, all the stuff she scribbled was not appearing. Hermione could hear them going on about her parchment. Lindsey and herself had spelled them to act like computers with privacy guards and they were writing the rules and editing back and forth in their made-up group language. It was a branch of Arabic written upside down and backwards. Oh what a language it was. Most of them could read and write the formal and informal versions and they probably would speak it the second they agreed on pronunciation. But, they had started on the next section and she need to keep up as scribe.

_Before we continue with our great book of Hogwarts Wisdom we would like to inform you of our status. _

_We (whom shall remain nameless) _

_ are the representatives of our respective houses and anyone who so much as looks at us the wrong way because of it will hexed to the full extent of our combined abilities, etc. We would also like that if you have any rules that are not listed here after to please write them at the back of this book which will automatically send the rules to us for automatic revision. Please do not hesitate to add anything (Unless you are a blonde ferret git!) _

_**The Houses **_

_Rule 16- All Houses have good and bad points. Some of which are known only to their residents._

_Rule 17- Prank Wars only occur between rival Houses_

_Slytherin and Gryffindor _

_Hufflepuff and Ravenclaw_

_As a LAW non-rivals do not (THIS MEANS YOU) prank each other_

_By request we are going to list the good and bad of each house so PAY ATTENTION  
_

**_Gryffindor_**

_Good_

_They are very brave_

_Currently have best Quidditch team_

_Hold Best Victory Parties_

_Best Comebacks_

_ Bad_

_They have the highest rate of Teen Pregnancy (Don't Ask)_

_Are sometimes, if not always, suicidal _

_Tend to show the lowest test score (because of parties)_

**_Huffelpuff_**

_ Good_

_Best Friends you could have_

_Don't get in trouble_

_ Bad_

_Worst Quidditch Team in existence_

_Highest percentage of people who give up magic after school_

_Tend to be the butt of everyone's jokes_

_Tends to fill with the spineless_

_Highest Average Number of Phobias, 22. (Don't Ask)_

**_Ravenclaw_**

_ Good_

_The Smartest _

_Highest GPA's_

_Best Dorm Bathrooms_

_ Fewest Anorexics_

_Most Creative_

_ Bad_

_ Highest Mental Breakdown Rate_

_ Most Bulimics_

_Mostly Smartasses_

_Loudest Screamers_

**_Slytherin_**

_ Good-_

_We are sorry to say but not even a member of this house can find a single positive point to write down here that will not get them killed._

_ Bad _

_(Where to start)_

_Sluts_

_Man-Whores_

_Pureblood Freaks_

_House of Worst Comebacks_

_ Place of Lying, Cheating, Stealing, Copying, Sex,_

_Mostly Death Eaters_

_Highest Mortality rate before 20 _

_Rule 18- Do not argue with the Sorting Hat_

_Rule 19- When applying for Quidditch bring your own broom_

_Rule 20- Never physically enter another Houses' common room_

_Rule 21- Point System Good. _

_Punching People Bad_

_Rule 22- When dating look outside your own house _

_Rule 23- Candy should never cross houses_

_Rule 24- Never Give Candy to the Ravenclaws (They'll never shut up!)_

Hermione laughed thinking of the time Fiona had given Lindsey a pixie stick that had come in a package from her mother. Lindsey, needless to say, bounced (literally) off the Room of Requirement walls for a straight hour shouting off random trivia she knew.

In the other common rooms the girls were laughing and couldn't wait to get together to actually write the book… After all, they already had twenty four rules.

_Feasting_

_Rule 25-Hogwarts is not going to run out of food or toast, eat slowly_

_Rule 26-Dumbledore says wierd things, listen, and get indigestion_

_Rule 27- Do not eat the Meatloaf or the pink mush_

_Rule 28- Wizard Crackers are not play things_

_Rule 29- Do NOT HORDE THE FOLLOWING!_

_Dressing_

_Sauce_

_Pasta_

_Salad_

_Bacon_

_Eggs_

_Jam_

_Butter_

_Rule 30- Pizza is not made at Hogwarts so don't bother asking_

_Rule 31- Muggle foods that seldom appear in Hogwarts feast:_

_Cheeseburgers_

_Chinese food_

_French Fries_

_Rule 32- Halloween Candy is to be eaten liberally_

By now the girls were beginning to run out of ideas despite how much they knew so they asked their housemates and began to pay more attention at lunch.

_Rule 33- Rolls make good Projectiles_

_Rule 34- People are allergic to Peanuts. Do not throw them_

_(See above for suggestions)_

_Rule 35- If you start a food fight don't get caught_

_Rule 36- When it's a girls time of the month, do not keep chocolate away from her_

The girls had now finished another section right at the bell rang in History of Magic. Every morning so far another one of their rules was shouted by magic to the students. Most of the rules received a good laugh, but when the negative points of any house were pointed out boo's and snickers erupted. Most everyone wanted to know who would write such a god-awful book. Dumbledore would look at the four every morning with a twinkle in his eye almost encouraging them to continue. And continue they did…

_Quidditch_

_Rule 37- The Rules are complicated, play is fast. Why bother???_

_Rule 38- Rule 37 is wrong because it's a good game._

_Rule 39- When Slytherin and Gryffindor play DUCK! (Duck Goose)_

_Rule 40- Feel free to shout any demeaning slur felt necessary while a game is on._

_Rule 41- In Quidditch there are no cards of any sort except the kinds seen when being knocked out_

_Rule 42- THIS IS NOT SOCCER, FOOTBALL, OR HOCKEY SO DON'T SAY IT IS!!!! _

_Rule 43- Yes, there are balls in the sport, but keep the jokes PG-13!_

_Rule 44- Cheer, Cheer Loudly_

_Rule 45- Don't fall out of the stands, it hurts_

As the girls finished this section they couldn't help but laugh. Most of these rules were true and used regularly by members of house teams which Fiona and Lindsey were parts of. The next section took much longer and after all forty-seven of their rules and comments had been posted most students began to miss the daily laugh and started to write slips of paper sticking them in a small box the four had placed just outside of the Great Hall. Most were quickly thrown away because they were jabs at a specific houses' character and named names. The girls had a code that no one house was to be bashed more than the others and Neville was the only exception to their no naming students rule.

So on the went the books there main blocker was the fact they couldn't decide on what to write about next. After much deliberation and three detentions it was decided and the book finally continued on with this to say

_We did and still do appreciate the feedback we are receiving about our dear guide to Hogwarts. We are very unhappy to find that students insist on using our hard work and sweat to poke fun at each other. From now on with permission from Professor Dumbledore, we are allowed to take five points from a house for each inappropriate and/or demeaning suggestion. Anything inappropriate will immediately be identified and sent to the respective Head of House to be dealt with. _

_WE SHOULD NOT BE TELLING YOU THIS! HAVE SOME COMMON SENSE PEOPLE._

_The Library_

_Rule 46- Madam Prince likes it quiet._

_Rule 47- Restricted Section MEANS Restricted. _

_Rule 48- When reading a book, do not dog-ear you will be hunted_

_Rule 49-The Library is a place for quiet time. Those seen not being quiet are susceptible to detention or substantial punishment_

_Rule 50- Do not chew gum near books_

_Rule 51- There is a lost and found in the Library. If you have misplaced your common sense look there_

_Rule 52- If you brain explodes and/or implodes in the library get yourself out fast_

_Rule 53- Before entering the Library decide on the nature of your visit and define a little and a lot of reading_

_Rule 54- Books are better projectiles than rolls, but don't tell people that at lunch_

_Rule 55- The Dewy Decimal System was invented for a reason. Then again the alphabet was invented for the same reason and look what happened to it. _

_Rule 56- Remember to write your name in the appropriate place (Like your underwear)_

The four of the still unnamed authors of the great Hogwarts book were pleased to see the Library section complete with such a silly comment about names. They knew the school would love it. Yet another day was drawn to close and the four, nicknamed the Founders, left their complied works to work on their homework. Not that their ample amount of homework suffered because of the book.

_The Halls_

_Rule 57- We are aware that the pictures move. (We don't live in boxes)_

_Rule 58- Do NOT ask a picture for directions_

_Rule 59- Some Halls are forbidden. Let them stay that way_

_Rule 60- There are multiple bathrooms on every floor (This means do not run to the seventh floor to go to the bathroom)_

_Rule 61- There are unused classrooms on every floor, use 'em!_

_Rule 62- …_

_Rule 63- Rule 62 is currently lost in a secret corridor thanks to Rule 64._

_Rule 64- Do not make maps! The halls change too frequently_

_Rule 65- The 5__th__ floor corridor is a monument to the Weasley Brothers_

_Rule 66- When a corridor is forbidden, it is so for a reason_

_Rule 67- If and when you go out after hours, please don't wear perfume_

_Rule 68- Mr. Filch would appreciate you not wandering after hours_

_Rule 69- Do not attack Mrs. Norris _

_Rule 70- Feel free to prank Filch_

Authors Note: If anyone wants a continuation of the rules please let me know…. If so I need at least 10 reviews


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